I've started this post a dozen times...and erased it just as many. Everyone grieves loss in different ways, and this post isn't meant to hurt anyone who has experienced a loss greater than mine. This is the hardest loss that I've personally gone through and it's all I know. I feel compelled to share my story because it just shocks me how NO ONE talks about miscarriages and how common it is. We weren't meant to go through life alone, especially not the hard things.
My husband and I were overjoyed when we found out we were pregnant this summer; We'd been praying ever since my youngest was born that the next time we got pregnant it would just "happen" with no trying, testing, tracking, etc like we did while we were trying to conceive our 2nd. And it happened!! I literally jumped up and down like a child in my bathroom when I saw those two pink lines (on an expired test left over from my last pregnancy...oops) and then I immediately rushed to the store to buy a few non-expired tests which confirmed my suspicions as well! It seemed too good to be true and I was over the moon excited! It had been everything we wanted- we didn't have the stress of "trying" to get pregnant like we'd been praying for, this baby and my youngest would have been a year and a half apart like we wanted and as an added bonus, I wouldn't be super pregnant in the summer (did that twice and I'd like to avoid that if I can because summer pregnancies are BRUTAL with the heat!).
Every time I've been pregnant I've kept it to myself for a bit until I come up with a cute way to tell my husband that we're pregnant. This time was no different! I created this sweet picture (keep in mind how impossible it is to get two kiddos to look at the camera at the same time, so I count it as a victory even though they're not smiling!) and my husbands reaction was SO perfect. He was overjoyed with the surprise news!
Oh, I was so excited. I started day dreaming about what this baby would look like, if it was a boy or girl, how I would design the nursery. I had hopes and dreams for this sweet little babe...
Unfortunately, God had other plans for our little baby though and He took our little firecracker home with him the 4th of July weekend. I was devastated. It was like MY plan and God's plan for my life had FINALLY aligned and I was getting exactly what I wanted, but it was too good to be true, so then it was taken from me. I felt like my heart was broken and it physically HURT. Everything hurt.
I never really thought what it would be like to go through a miscarriage. I definitely hoped that would never happen to me, but I never really thought there would be physical pain on top of emotional pain, plus all of the blood, and getting to see what my "baby" looked like at such a frail and fragile state...It was shocking, heart breaking, and I was ANGRY.
How dare God give me this baby and then take it away just like that?! How dare He let me get my hopes up about adding another member to our precious little family?! How dare He get my oldest son so invested in this baby and listen to him pray for the baby every day?
I wanted to be so angry at God for taking my baby away from me but how could I be angry when it wasn't even MY baby- not really- it was His. I found myself telling Him, "I want to be SO angry at you, Lord, but I can't. How can I be angry with you when I literally can't take my next breath without your strength helping me get through. This hurts too much. Why? Why did you do this? I wanted this baby SO bad. Why did you let me get my hopes up?!" And in between my sobs I heard him whisper to me "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."...(Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9)
So how can I not talk about this? His grace is enough for ME, I don't have the strength to make it through, but He does. I'm weak, and my flesh is hurt but by staying silent about this weakness/struggle I'm going through, NOTHING is getting glory. My baby deserves to have his/her life MEAN something. Yes, it was short and not what we wanted, but if I don't take this opportunity to share my struggle and maybe help someone else, then what's the point?
Having to tell our three year old there wasn't a baby in mommy's belly anymore was the most heartbreaking thing ever. Our son had been praying for this baby everyday since we found out, and he was SO excited to be a big brother again. When we sat down to talk to him about what had happened, he was convinced that Jesus took the baby out of my belly to "fix it" and that He would put him/her back in my belly so the baby could grow big and strong to be a part of our family...
How do you tell a kid who prays to Jesus about everything (literally, everything...from asking Jesus to bring him a thunderstorm so he can make sure he's not afraid of them anymore, to praying for his daddy to not get in a car accident, to thanking Jesus for eating mac n cheese for lunch that day, etc) that no amount of praying is going to bring the baby back...?! IT'S HARD.
We told him that it was okay to be sad or mad or however he felt about it. Our baby is safe in the arms of Jesus, and how wonderful is it that our baby has never known what it's like to be sad, or feel pain?! This sweet babe has ONLY ever known LOVE in the purest form and we WILL get to meet this baby in Heaven one day and THAT is something we can be excited about. We explained that in life bad things happen, and sometimes it seems unfair, but it doesn't mean that God doesn't love us or that our faith wasn't enough or that He didn't hear our prayers. His plans are far greater than anything we can ever imagine or hope for.
My sweet son looked deep into my tear filled eyes and I felt I could see his soul. He said he was really really sad that the baby wasn't in my belly anymore but he was also happy that he could meet this baby one day in heaven. I told him I felt the exact same way..and then he wrapped his sweet little arms around my neck and cried with my husband and I...and in that moment I felt peace. I was still broken hearted, but that little boy helped me realize that I had two options here: I could stay in this feeling of helplessness, anger and hurt or I could choose joy and show my three year old how to handle situations when life doesn't go our way. I could show him it's okay to still be happy and enjoy life even if we're grieving. To show him not to live in fear of what bad things could happen, but just trust in the plan that God has for our lives...good and bad. To show him that God has our best interests at heart and is working a plan far greater than we could ever imagine.
Choosing Joy
So, I chose JOY, I got up, got dressed and still tried my hardest to make the 4th of July weekend fun. Y'all, it was so difficult, but it was needed. I'm so glad I made the decision to choose joy...and I have to CHOOSE joy every day...sometimes multiple times a day because some days are HARD and I don't always get it right. The feelings overwhelm me at the most random times....and I don't always handle it the best. The other night I was cooking dinner and it was a complete disaster- I burnt the rice and got the pot stuck in the pressure cooker so I threw it on the counter and crumpled into my husbands arms sobbing; prior to this I would've just laughed it off and ordered a pizza. It was the first day I hadn't cried and I was so proud of myself for making it through the day and then when that dinner fiasco happened I just broke down. Like I said, I don't always get it right but by messing up I had the chance to show my son how to repent, ask for forgiveness, and give it to the Lord.
I KNOW I'm showing my boys how to turn to Jesus with our feelings and to talk about them instead of bottling them up. My oldest sees me cry and asks me if I'm missing the baby. I'll tell him yes and then ask him to pray with me and in doing so, I've seen a change in him with how he handles his feelings when he's mad/sad/overwhelmed/happy. This, this is worth it. Without losing this baby, these conversations and changes wouldn't have happened. I don't think I'll ever be "happy" or "okay" that we lost this baby, but I am glad that we're choosing to change for the better because of what we're going through.
GUILT
I think guilt is a major reason why most women don't want to talk about their miscarriages. Even though 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a loss, I think there's just so much internal guilt that no one wants to bring it up. But it needs to be brought up!! I can't imagine not have been able to talk to some friends about what I was feeling- some can't imagine and haven't experienced anything like this, but others have, and some I never even knew had had a previous miscarriage until I was talking about mine...why is this?! Why is it such a hush hush topic? It has to be the guilt...or not wanting to make others uncomfortable about talking about something sad? I'm not sure, but even though I have guilt, I know it wasn't my fault. I knew I was pregnant right away and I didn't go drinking or do drugs or whatnot. I did get xrays prior to finding out I was pregnant and that "what if it was my fault" pops into my head, but that's from Satan and not the Lord. "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away" If this baby was meant to be here on this Earth with me, God would have made it happen...he's God, He can do anything. I think guilt is human nature and will always be there, but I know in my heart I did nothing wrong...it simply wasn't meant to be. God had much better plans for our sweet baby and I do look forward to meeting my baby one day in heaven.
For the Hurting...
My heart hurts for all the women that suffer alone and in silence. I want to shout IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT over and over again until it sinks in. I want to hug you, I want to cry with you. I want to let you know you're not alone. You can feel what ever it is you feel about this. If you feel like it's your fault; it's not. If you feel like you should be more upset, but you're relieved it happened sooner rather than later, that's okay. If you feel like you don't have the right to grieve this baby if it happened right away, you do! If you're mad you had to be further along just to lose the baby and you're mad you had to wait so long just for disappointment, that's okay. If you feel like your world is crumbling down around you and you don't know how to move past this, His grace is sufficient for you, and you WILL get through this. If you don't wake up and immediately think about the baby, that's okay. If you think of the baby what seems like every second of the day, that's okay too. If you want another baby and wonder if God will ever come through, I'm not sure, but I do know He loves you and knows without a shadow of a doubt what you NEED. If you want to try to get pregnant right away, go for it! If you want to wait a while, take all the time you need. If you need time to be angry, be angry...just talk to God through the whole process and work it out with Him. All of it is okay. Everyone grieves in their own way, but if I could encourage you to do one thing on top of praying, it would be to talk about it, or heck if you don't want to talk to friends or family about it, email me! Just don't bottle it up and go through this alone.
You are not alone.
We need community, especially in the midst of heartache and difficult times. So, if our family happens to cross your mind, please lift a prayer up for us as we navigate this process, as well as pray for God to send us a rainbow baby in his perfect timing.
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